Thursday, April 5, 2012

Wow! Weekend already. Not complaining!

Hello to whoever is reading!
This week has flown by and guess what, I am beat. Bagged. Tired. Exhausted. I don't mean to sound like a complainer, but work has been busy in the best kind of way and it's a very emotional week for my family and I (get to that in a second, food first).

So, I've mentioned having been on a mission to do the 21 Day Detox. It isn't a weight loss goal (though that's always a bonus), it's a get my eating under control goal. I've always joked that binge eating is a hobby of mine, and "Eat till it hurts" was a motto. But seriously, it's been sort of real, and not so much a joke lately. It's time to tone it down because it makes me feel awful both physically and mentally! Anyway, a few things I've noticed this week:
1) I've been eating meat and nuts WAY too much to compensate for the lack of sugar
2) Afternoons I'm tired - my arms are heavy!
3) Workouts are weak*
This could just be pure exhaustion - I'm feeling close to burn out
Going forward - going to try to fill the nuts with vegetable snackies instead! Shouldn't be too hard. I didn't miss sugar too, too much except when my department had cake 2X this week, seriously...the week my co worker and I embark on this and they have cake 2X. Do you know how much I love that thick, thick icing??? A lot. But apparently I do know how to exercise self control. It's been a good reminder of "you can do it!"

I realized last weekend that I have been so immersed in my own head between work and the time of year, that I have sort of neglected to take care of my body and listen to it. When I finally did list, I noticed a few things - my pants were getting tight, my feet were bothering me and it turned into a minor injury which is keeping me from running this week and that I am really physically tired and I perhaps just need to give myself a break. The concept of a break is a particularly tough one for me and the idea of it is sort of mind blowing. In the last 3 or so years the only times I've really felt I've given myself a break was 1) knee surgery in 2009 when I was forced into rehabing and slowing down for a bit 2) Mexico Jan 2011 and 3) Mexico Oct 2011 (kinda not really). So - I'm going to slow down for the next few days and operate at a leisurely pace - do things that I would like to do, get some rest, see my family and stop being so f$*#ing hard on myself. For a few days anyway....

Ok - now to "the time of year".... In 2 days, it will be one year exactly since my dad passed away. It was sudden, unexpected and totally shattered my world as I knew it. Some of the changes that have come with it have been good, the growth that I've had personally - while not easy has been great, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my dad. Most days - his absence in my life doesn't even seem real. I've learned who my real friends are, I've really learned what I value and have been spending a lot of time reflecting and getting to know this "new" version of myself and of my family. I've been fortunate in that I have an Aunt, Uncle and cousins who have been my biggest family supports, a workplace full of great people who have been there for me all year, some friends who I have deemed to be my non-blood family, my dad's long time friend Bill who keeps in close touch and a few other people here and there who have left footprints on my heart and remind me that there is such beauty in this world. My Aunt, Uncle and cousins are dealing with another loss this week, and it makes my heart ache for them. It's ironic that it has had to happen at the same time as last year. I've been thinking of them every single day and will be going to my hometown to spend some much needed time with them this weekend. 

I read this article this week written by Robb Wolf. He's well known in the Paleo community. The part in his article that really stuck out to me was this:
"I am NOT afraid to love people. People I know, people I have only just met. I’m not afraid to look like a jack-ass or to speak my mind because I know tomorrow, I or they, might be gone. I’m moved to tears by shit that other people find mundane, and I think that’s because I have this countdown timer in the back of my head and I know all too clearly that it will either be me getting left again…or I’ll be doing the leaving. Folks with a belief in the afterlife have a built in “do over” setting in their psyche. I however think you get one chance to get it right or wrong, but either way this is the one shot you’ve got. (from here)."

I think this guy might have it right, somewhat anyway. My family and I lost my brother, Jaden in 2001. He was 14 years old. It was sudden, it was unexpected and it shattered our world as we knew it. Sound familiar? Yes, it is. My dad, and my brother. Gone. These experiences, while tragic, have given me such amazing perspective at times - I relate to the quote above about being moved to tears at "shit...other people find mundane". I once cried watching the water show at the Bellagio in Vegas because I thought it was pretty, I get so excited seeing rainbows and pretty sunrises that I will find tears welling up in my eyes and occasionally when I'm not cursing my running, I'll be smiling so big people must think that I'm crazy, silently thanking the world that I am healthy and able to get out and just enjoy things - be it big or small. These experiences have taught me to really cherish and nurture the relationships that are important to me, to let people know when I love them and tell them again and again, that if something is important to you - you'll just do it, and that if you change your perspective - you can change your world. 

Anyway - sh*t got real tonight on KitchenofKy but hey - I still talked about food. I made a stop at the Bulk Barn for some dark Bernard Callebaut melting chocolate for peppermint patties - was missing one other ingredient when I got home, so they have to wait until tomorrow and also went shopping for Foodie Penpal #2. I'm so excited! She's vegan and gluten-free so finding her treats was a fun challenge! Stay tuned!

Dad, Baby Jaden, and Me - May 1987. Miss you both. xo

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